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goodnight and goodbye papu
April 19, 2007Papu is our new pet, that dadi got from his friend to fill the empty seat of the "house pet" or should i call papu, the new-found favorite daughter of dadi 
(Papu was trying to sleep and in this last photo, you can see that she was already annoyed that i was bothering her from the sweet, deep, slumber that she needed so badly)
papu died on april 11, 1:30 am, just a day before dadi's bday. we believe that there's some kind of epidemic claiming over the lives of cute puppies and doggies. he was sick for a very long time and it was a progression of illness, getting worse. it started with frequent coughing, then he began to have this thick mucuous in the shade of green (ok! UHOG for short) that my sister has to remove with cotton buds before she goes for work to prevent them from accumulating, thus, formulating a blockage known as kulangot. things got worse for her, eventhough we consulted with his vet, quite a number of times. the vet said that she only had fever, it'll eventually go away with just a few paracetamol, ascorbic acid. but it did not. when we realized that she was not getting well, we had her checked-up by the vet, only to realize that she already has DISTEMPER, only the worse kind of illness that any canine or feline can have. the vet clearly saw the symptoms (coughs, mucous disharge) but he did not warn us that it could lead to something deadly. Papu was just a puppy. He could do lots of 'bantay' stuff in her lifetime. Cause even if she was sick, she would bark around the house whenever the doorbell rings, even if her legs couldn't support her anymore.
At night, we have to endure pity as we lie comfortably on our beds while listening to her heaving and squeaky breathing. Until one day, the heaving stopped and Papu crossed the rainbow bridge. I know Sushi (our cat who died last last year) fetched her.
go to this site–> http://www.indigo.org/rainbowbridge_ver2.html, if you are also a pet lover you'll understand.
goodnight papu and goodnight.
(this is the photo that my sister took of Papu, while she was waiting for Dadi to come home, Papu is a spoiled daughter of Dadi)
di uuwi si batman bukas, at iba pang rebelasyon
April 16, 2007inaway ko ang nanay ko noong nakaraang linggo. di ko alam. di napigilan.
member kasi si Ma ng isang social service org sa quasi parish namin at siya ang secretary, at ako ang secretary niya. Kaya tuwing laging me papatayp sa kanya, pagkatapos ng first draft, sisigaw na siya mula sa kwarto namin, para i-edit ko ang grammar ang format at kung ano pa. Pagkatapos ko i-edit, hindi pa siya kuntento. Babasahin niya ule, at malaman babasahin nya un sa perspective ng kanyang soro-sisters (ang tawag ko sa mga chumz nya sa social service group, aside sa mga ka-Butler niya sa simbahan). Gusto niya magpa-impress, edit naman ako. Gusto niya mabilib ang iba sa kanya, edit ko ule. Pero siyempre, sinasabi ko lang to sa perspective ng isang 19 year old, coming of age, college student na kakatapos lang ang sem noong April 9. Pagod na teenager tapos aasarin mo ng mga paedit kung gusto mo lang magpa-impres?! Sino naman ang di magagalit? Sumakto pa siya na malapit na ang monthly period ko. Pagod na teenager na babae tapos aasarin niya ng paedit edit… Kaya nagalit ako, sa loob ko, sa mga intensiyon ko, sa isip ko, sa gawa at sa salita. Hindi ako sanay na kailangan niya ako. Sanay ako na pinapagalitan niya ako dahil madumi ang bahay, di naligpit ang pinaghigaan, di nakapagdilig, at kung ano ano pa. Hindi ako sanay maging NANAY niya sa grammar, editing, formatting, printing, etc.
Ngayon, pagdorbell niya. Inayos ko na ang mukha ko– ngumiti ng bahagya at binati siya! "Hi Ma!" Ayos pa ang mood ko e. At sumunod na ang mga utos na madalas namumutawi sa mga labi niya. "Hay, salamat, back to normal." Kaya nagdikdik ako ng bawang at tinimplahan ang daing na bangus na pinabili pa niya sa Pangasinan, at naging anak ule.
***
di uuwi si Batman sa kuweba niya bukas. Di uuwi si Ate An bukas.
Kahapon, Sunday, halos buong umaga naming nilibot ang SM para ibili ng bagong sapatos si Ate An para sa clerkship/ internship niya bilang bahagi ng pagiging isang doktor balang araw. Lahat excited, si Daddy walang inatupag kundi ang pagbigay ng pinaka-efficient na ruta papuntang Jose Reyes, si Ma walang kapaguran sa pagkokompyut ng mga gagastusin, walang kapaguran sa pagsimangot, si Ate Gen, di humihinga dahil sa dami ng gastos, at ako, nakisawsaw sa lahat ng pinagkakaabalahan nila.
Bukas di uuwi si Ate An, wala ng sisigaw sa kalagitnaan ng hatinggabi para patahimikin si Duke, ang aso ng pinsan ko. Walang alarm clock na gigising ng alas tres sa aming lahat. Tahimik. Pero iniisip ko kung ano kaya ang pakiramdam ng ginagawa niya ang gusto niya? Di ko naisip na gusto ni ate mag-med. Mahilig lang iyan manuod ng anime e. Pero hindi, pagkatapos ng ilang taon, nagkamali ako nang akalain kong ako na ang huling pag-aaralin sa pamilya, hindi pala, dahil si Ate An kasabay ko din pala mag-aral. At lalabhan ko ang bagong tahing uniporme ni Ate An. Puting-puti, di pa nasusunog ng bareta at sinag ng araw. Tumataginting sa pangarap at di katiyakan.Naisip ko tuloy, may pag-asa pa ako gumawa ng pelikula. Si ate nga e, dalawang taon na lang doktor na.
"Konting tiis, ang dami pang gagastusin para kay ate." Iyan ang sabi sakin ni Ma nang yayain ko siyang bilan din ako ng libro tutal bibili rin naman sila ni ate. Nilista ko na ang mga McQuail, Littlejohn, Babbie, Mcluhan na gusto kong bilin, pero natigilan ako nang sinabi niya 'yun. Erase ang listahan, hipan ang mga libag ng mga binura, hipan ang pagkakataon. Sanay ako na laging pinagbibigyan, bunso ako e. Pero naisip ko kailangan ko ng ihinto ang kahibangan ko, dahil hindi lahat ng gusto ko kaya kong hingin dahil mataas ang grades ko, dahil bagong suweldo, o ano man. Sa totoo lang ngayon lang ako sinampal para mamulat na may iba pang bagay na mas mahalaga kaysa sa bagong pares ng Chuck Taylor, laptop, o kaya DigiSLR.
Di pa huli ang lahat. Salamat naman.
playing god (cont of the previous entry)
April 14, 2007
Little Prince has always been dear to me. Aside from the fact that it was taught by my most beloved English teacher, Mrs. Reyno, aside from learning the line that almost everyone quotes from it, the greatest lesson that i learned from this book is: THE ESSENCE OF EPHEMERAL.
for some reason, i feel my insides twitch with the word ephemeral, meaning things that don't last. Like my beloved teacher whom we all thought that we will greet good morning and goodbye for 205 schooldays, left in the middle of the third trimester to leaver for Australia. The flowers that we bought for her, wilted. Th Beatles song: that 46 students sang as we all choke as try to suppress our tears. O.A. teacher lang naman s'ya e. Oo nga pero she was the best adviser we ever had.
When a person leaves, the idea of you could've done more with that person eclipses the idea that she will no longer be with you. There is no difference when a person dies or when they just leave us. Leaving is more tragic than death because you know the person is around yet you cannot be with them, but if you only want to, if you do whatever it takes, you can be with them. But most of the time, we just can't.
If i will be reincarnated, i want to be a lamp lighter. read the book. you'll understand why.
This picture was taken from page 88 of the book. It was the last and most powerful image in the book. There is so much loneliness in the horizon, with a single star, there is still longing, to find the little prince and his golden curls, his laughter and refusal to answer questions. There is loneliness and longing after death. But there is also waiting. For more. sense. meaning. life.
anong mangyayari sa october 7, 2037 ; 11:59 ng gabi?
mamatay ako.
oo. kung susundin ng Diyos ang aking kahilingan, bakit hindi diba? Hindi naman mali na mamatay ako at the age of 49. Tutal, hindi ko naiisip na mag-aasawa ako. At kung magkaron man, ayoko mabihag ang mga magiging anak ko sa responsibilidad na kailangan nila akong akayin, o kya 'wipe my behind everytime i shit'
Gusto ko rin may sense of urgency ang mga pangarap ko. Ayoko isipin na matagal pa ang buhay ko, kaya may oras pa ako para i-delay ang mga gusto ko gawin sa buhay. Naniniwala ako sa childhood's end. Kahit na mahaba pa nga ang buhay ng tao, ang pagiging tao ng tao ay maglalaho din. Oo. nagmamadali na ang mga pangarap ko. sawang -sawa na akong mag-admire ng mga taong successful sa mga bagay na gusto nilang mangyari sa buhay nila. sawa na akong maging tulala, tulo-laway sa mga art galleries, photo galleries, mga artist talks ng pagsisimula hanggang sa pagsikat. Ayoko sumikat. Gusto ko lang maramdaman na ginagawa ko ang bagay na gusto ko tulad ng gumawa ng pelikula, i-preserve ang memory ng panahon sa mga litrato, gumawa ng mga silk screen shirts, magkaron ng business kasama sina Aei at Lee (ayan,3-letter na din ang nick mo Anali!), magkaron ng darkroom. MADAMI akong pangarap, sapat lang para maging busy ako sa 30 taon na pamamalagi ko pa dito sa mundo. Hindi PA ako takot mamatay kasi hindi lang basta basta namamatay ang isang 19 year old, sa pagkakaalam ko.
At ito ang aking epitaph. Walang surname, walang Bible verse, walang month and date of birth, year lang at walang mga huling paalam na nagbabatid ng kung gaano ako minahal at kung anong pambobola pa. Hindi mahalaga un e. Gusto ko lang malaman ng tao na nabuhay ako para makita ang mundo at ibahagi un sa iba. Kaya 'yan ang picture.
Mai.Iam dahil physically patay lang talaga ang tao. Naniniwala ako kay Dante na may Inferno, Purgatorio at Paradiso. Kung may paraiso, imposibleng walang impyerno at purgatoryo. Kailangan ng tripartite travel sa buhay. At ito pa pala ang isang dahilan kung bakit di ako takot mamatay, dahil may ideya na ako kung ano ang dapat i-look forward pagkatapos. Oo nga. work of fiction lang ang divine comedy, kanya-kanyang paniniwala parin iyan.
Naiinip na ako. Pero naiisip ko na darating din ang araw na magagawa ko na lahat ng gusto ko. Kaya walang rason para mag-antay para sa tamang panahon di ba? Gusto ko kapag dumating na ang araw na 'yon, handa na ako.
intra m uros
waw! feeling ko inamag na 'tong blog ko. its been a very very long time since i last wrote an entry. after the semana santa doing the paper and competing with stress, sleepless nights and loveless everyday, finally, wait FINALLY!! the time has come when all i have to worry about is waiting for next Tuesday and watch one tree hill. well, not really, i still have work to do and enrol– which is a hell of an endeavor/adventure/suicide threat to endure. nonetheless, i guess i have to exhaust the past so i can empty myself and be ready for the following adventures to come. (*Ok. my morning coffee sucks! it could've been the driving drug behind my need to blog away, BUT NO!)
MOVING ON.
"napapagod din ang liwanag"
last march 14 (uy! one month after, kewl) me and Aei (check-out her blog linked to mine), we went to PLM to survey 30 students about their perceptions about elections! the original plan was to get over the research endeavor as fast as we can to have enough time to explore the old streets of manila, devour over its capiz windows and old houses. By noon, we had more than 30 respondents and off we went to the streets of intramuros. The 'walled city' has always been a mystery to me. I have been there before, during primary days field trips, but what do i know then, i have always troubled myself with the chichirya in my backpack that it consumes my consciousness to be bothered by anything else, thus, my complete ignorance of such aged beauty.
"rippled faith"
That day conjured a lot of firsts at the age of 19. That day was the first time that i got face-to-face with San Agustin and the iconoclasm (vandalism of sacred objects) is not fair. Imagine the nose of a friar carved on the door that looked that it was chopped off. Nagmukhang pango tuloy ung friar. It was also the first time for me to walk the streets of Manila. I have always loved walking, from Math building to MassComm, from UP Baguio to Session Road– but not Manila. I utterly dismiss the idea of pacing its sidewalks (is there any? reall?) and choking on pollution! but that day! i didn't care, from one street to another, Aei and I devoured the afternoon sun, casting shadows upon the aged iron lamps, wooden gigantic doors and broken Capiz windows.
"a walk of pink"
how i wish i have all the time in the world to travel all the streets of manila and discover more things beyond lamposts, broken Capiz windows, street children, and what not. more. more. MORE. i want to find out more about manila and be captivated by its enduring beauty. I am glad that we have to do the survey in Manila, it was one of the blessing in disguise that i am thankful for. I hope i can see more of the world, but i guess i have to start somewhere. Maybe i have already started. Haven't i?
Maybe i did!
"one bare foot"